surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
