Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
