My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
