Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
