i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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