At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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