how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
