Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
