Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
well you can't waste a boner
Four minutes until I can fart!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
