my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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