did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
