You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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