Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
