3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
