Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
