Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
