if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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