I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
