i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My liver just had a heart attack.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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