whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
