when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
