I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
