You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
