I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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