if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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