I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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