I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
