I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
is wine microwaveable?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
