your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
