I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
