I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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