On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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