i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
