Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
