I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
