I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
