im six kinds of drunk right now
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
