Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
