When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
not ubering you a puppy
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
