i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I understand Curling. That high.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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