I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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