Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
