am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
