People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
