so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
