My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
