Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
