oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
