brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
