My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
