And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
