Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he thought i was a dude.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
