It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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