im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
