i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
